Books written by Anita Perez

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

No More Chasing

In my desire to settle into my life in Panama and my role as a Peace Corps volunteer, I have begun to settle for some things that I never thought I would. It has been my desire since day one to establish genuine friendships but after almost a year in the country, I am tired of trying and ready to accept that they may not come. Thankfully, my new site has not tested and tried me in the way that my old one did. During the early days in that locale, I was the subject of gossip, ridicule, and scorn. Here, though I am spared the hazing rituals, I am basically ignored. I greet people. I participate in activities. I suggest outings. But life in a regional capital is busy and people are consumed with their families, their careers, and their studies. A gringa who will be gone in a year barely makes their radar screen.


During the Peace Corps application process, they are constantly trying to assess your ability to cope with loneliness. And once in country, they do their best to equip you for what I have come to call the Peace Corps PILL - Pessimism, Isolation, Loneliness, and Listlessness. So my experience is certainly not unique to me. And I’m guessing that it’s not so unique to just about anyone who is trying to serve others, be it in the workplace, in their community or within their own family. There are times in this life when, no matter how many people surround you, you are alone.

So while I would like to have a social life that goes beyond polite greetings and brief banter, I have decided that at a certain point, trying actually becomes sadder than settling. I am not giving up on the idea of meaningful friendships in Panama. I am simply accepting their absence at this moment.

I am constantly alert to the fact that such a way of life is the perfect breeding ground for inappropriate behavior and bad habits. My counselor training tells me that distractions can be dangerous because they can turn into compulsions and addictions and all of these things interfere with our ability to have healthy relationships. The right thing to do is to get in touch with my longings, to sit in that empty space, know it, name it, and invite God to join me in it. But I now question the intensity at which I have done this in the past. I have at times been “spiritual” to the point of self-injury. I would ignore my flesh and chase God until it hurt.

So when the side effects of the Peace Corps PILL recently started to resurface, I caught myself emailing, web surfing, reading, writing, and watching a lot of TV, all in English. I also started burning up cyberspace, skyping my friends and family to talk about nothing. These activities are not bad but they pull me out of Panama. They are a distraction. And they decrease the likelihood that I will find that fulfilling Panamanian friendship or achieve the elusive perfect Spanish – neither of which are guaranteed anyway.

So do I go back to my old tactic of discarding the distractions in favor of pushing into the loneliness? Sure, it brought me closer to God but it also made me that much more lonely here on earth. Maybe, just maybe, it might be possible for one to chase God too hard. Especially if that chase takes me out of the world that I inhabit, and especially if chasing God makes me inhabit it without truly living in it.

So while I am waiting for Panama to invite me in, maybe a little connection to my U.S. life is not so bad. Panama may never offer me anymore than it does right now. And if that’s the case, I have to accept it – even settle for it. I guess that is what serving is really all about. Giving with no expectation of anything in return, even friendship.

So what am I going to do? I am going to allow myself to be a little distracted. I am going to keep surfing, skyping, emailing, and watching reruns of Law & Order and House. And as for my relationship with God, it is time for me to trade my begging for accepting and wallowing for worshipping. After all, He is not running so I don’t have to chase Him.

Grace and Peace,

Anita

2 comments:

  1. No, no, no -- never ever think you can chase God too much. Remember the world is passing away, it and everything in it comes and goes, lives and dies. God (and all those strive for him through Christ) is the only eternal true treasure.

    The Bible even says "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; (Matthew 6:20)

    It also says about feeling isolated from the world. "Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord" (2 Corinthians 6:17)

    The Bible also says that God already knows what we need before we ask him, but we should first seek him and his kingdom and all else will be added. (Matthew 6:33)

    Just a bit about myself. I'm american and currently living in Japan and I came here not knowing a lick of Japanese. I understand the lonelyness & feeling of isolation, how easy it can be to fall into distractions. I agree with you on nixing those. However in regards to ever thinking pursuing God is too much. No. To think that is to misunderstand how God works. He wants us to seek him. He even says over and over that he wants us (everyone) to seek him, in earnest, in truth and through Christ -- cause there is only one way to God, which is Christ.

    At the end of the day, if you gain the whole world...EVERYTHING in it and lose your soul, what good is it? (Mark 8:36)

    However, if you loose everything but gain eternal life, how very blessed are you!

    Eternity is a very very long time. Whatever discomforts you experience in your lifetime now are less than milliseconds in comparison.

    God is life. To seek life is good. There is nothing in this world that can even compare.

    Please, I write this comment to encourage you. Never think, you're seeking God too much. Never.

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  2. The question of what is a meaningful relationship in Panama and whether it´s possible for us is always on my mind. A good and thoughtful post.

    (I´m glad there were no hazing rituals awaiting you in Penonome)

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