I retreated to my home and spent the next few days dealing with what I like to call The Peace Corps PILL: Pessimism, Isolation, Loneliness, and Listlessness. Variations on the following themes haunt me day and night:
- I am surrounded by people but meaningful conversations are hard to come by.
- Children yell out my name in the streets as if I were a rock star, yet no one really knows me.
- I am here to help people to help themselves but the people are not really looking for that type of help.
- I live at the same level poverty as those around me yet at least once a day I can expect to hear the words prestame (lend me) or regalame (gift me).
The Peace Corps is everything I thought it would be but daily I question whether or not I am capable of being the volunteer I had hoped to be. In the midst of it all, surfaces the same old longing for relational intimacy and in its wake, a gentleman who wants to be more than friends. He is attentive and kind but, in many ways, he doesn't fit the mold I thought necessary for the man in my life. Is there something to this relationship or is my vulnerability playing with my head?
Although I have not yet decided what to do about my Latin Admirer, I have decided to adopt a dog. So on my next visit to Lily's house, I went straight to the pups and picked up the little white one with the black eye. He was exactly what I thought I wanted but he was not comfortable in my hands. I talked to him and cuddled with him but he just wasn't that into me. When I gave him his way and released him from my clutches, his brother caught my eye. He didn't have the look that I thought I wanted but he was very cute. And when I picked him up, he curled himself up in my hands and drifted off to sleep. It wasn't love at first site but it was love nonetheless.
My new Latin Lover is ready for commitment and so am I. He promises to listen attentively to everything I say in whichever language I say it. He has agreed to treat me like a rock star and he will love me even when I'm not being very lovable. And although I do not have a good track record when it comes to selecting a man, for now I feel pretty good about the decision to share my home and my life with Jersey, the dog.
Grace and Peace,
Anita
He is so sweet --- it's always the one you least expect that wins over your heart! You certainly got my attention with the byline in the e-mail! Think of you often and am glad you found a companion to bring you inspiration!
ReplyDeleteVery CUTE! and Love his name: Jersey. And I am sure I do not need to tell you that what we want is not always what is best for those who need us.
ReplyDeleteand again Jersey is adorable!!!
Charlie would be proud of you! Jersey will help you to put your PILL in perspective. Blessings~Rita
ReplyDeleteI love Jersey! What a name... It is great to follow you on this amazing journey. Reading your blogs makes me really miss talking to you. When you meet the one that deserves you it will be comfortable....
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Susie
An admirer and a faithful companion!!! Perhaps I should leave the states for a while!! Jersey looks absolutely loveable. Keep up the good work...
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
Tish & Sammira
Wait until I tell Charlie! It is amazing how the image of America and American's have come to symbolize, "you've got it all together so give it up." Perhaps the experience is more for you than the people you are trying to help. Perhaps they see the Peace Corps come and....go. Take Care, Charlie and I miss you. Charlie loves to snow. We go out when there is no one outside and he just runs like a jack rabbit through the snow. I keep a treat in my pocket o entice him back. We Love Ya!
ReplyDeletePositive & Encouraging tid-bits
ReplyDelete* (you said) Children yell out my name in the streets as if I were a rock star, yet no one really knows me.
--remember, it's not about you, the individual. It's about what you can do the help others.
What you're experiencing is what many parents experience. The kids yell out 'mommy' or 'daddy' and are heavy on the hugs and kisses but they don't really know anything about their parents... Nor do they truly appreciate or can understand all that goes into raising them. Yet, parents continue on...and and even have more children to go through it all over again.
My point, is that. If you think of your situation as being about you, it will definitely give you the blues, but if you think of your situation in terms of the help and changes that you can assist with or provide, then the same thought might make you smile.
* (you said) I am here to help people to help themselves but the people are not really looking for that type of help.
I live at the same level poverty as those around me yet at least once a day I can expect to hear the words prestame (lend me) or regalame (gift me).
-- Mmmm, many people think Americans in general have lots of money to spare. Not only in Panama but many other places around the globe as well. People will ask for money and sometimes even the clothes, shoes and jewlery that you're wearing. Some will feel a bit angry if you deny them something they feel you can just easily buy again or in terms of cash, replenish again.
Help people help themselves is the right thing but that's not what's generally taught and seen. What's seen or heard often is: (1) how people of priveledge are given opportunities where there are none (2) how poor unsuspecting individuals can get a 'big' break via some foreigner who kinda comes to the rescue [kind of like what happened to the child actors in 'slumdog millionaire' or the countless other 'one in a million' rags to riches stories out there]
What many see is 'stuff' & 'conviences' that they want to get even just a taste of what the easy life 'might' feel like... No, it's not good, no it doesn't make sense since the easy life is not easy -- it has it's own troubles. Still, this is the perception many have.
So, when people approach you for money, why not challenge them to change their perspective. Maybe they can help you help the community and in return receive wages, or maybe you could tutor them so they can pass whatever test to get into a good school or scholarship. Maybe you could even build up a 'team' of your own 'helpers' all putting in the work to recieve whatever you agree on.
Maybe at first they'd only be interested in the payoff. Sure, some might even quit. Still, others might stay, learn, help you help themselves and even recruit others.
It might stay very small or it could turn into a bigger collaborative effort with you and the locals. The lonleyness factor would be gone, the isolated factor would be gone, people would definitely get to know you by working with you, you'd get to know them as well. Pessimism would fade and listlessness wouldn't be found.
Granted, nothing is guaranteed but it's worth a shot? You have nothing to loose and everything to gain!